[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Ladies, do not believe everything written on the bars bathroom stalls. Daryl was NOT up for a good time … and neither was his wife
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Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Gonna see my therapist tomorrow, want anything?
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
“I’m not sure yet”
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.