Ladies, do not believe everything written on the bars bathroom stalls. Daryl was NOT up for a good time … and neither was his wife

How awkward

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You know who doesn’t get impostor syndrome? Cats. Not only does every cat know they’re a cat, I think every cat believes firmly, with conviction, that they are the best possible cat, the prime example of a cat, the most cat a cat could be.


I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.


wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece


I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.


EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him


Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.


Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again


I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.


A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.