@TheWidowmakerX

Ladies, do not believe everything written on the bars bathroom stalls. Daryl was NOT up for a good time … and neither was his wife

How awkward

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@JenKatWrites

You know who doesn’t get impostor syndrome? Cats. Not only does every cat know they’re a cat, I think every cat believes firmly, with conviction, that they are the best possible cat, the prime example of a cat, the most cat a cat could be.

@hannalee_slc

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

@IndecisiveJones

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

@VerbsRProudest

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

@Proxic0n

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

@Gupton68

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

@iwearaonesie

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

@MaidOfBeans

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

@LizHackett

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.