The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
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*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.