@TheWidowmakerX

Ladies, do not believe everything written on the bars bathroom stalls. Daryl was NOT up for a good time … and neither was his wife

How awkward

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@steeve_again

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

@ArielBen6

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

@Rollinintheseat

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

@HeroineAddict

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

@stockejock

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

@daemonic3

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

@Cpin42

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

@Jenny4ashley

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

@EmmyStar79

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.