[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
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*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
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Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
WHY?!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car