Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
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How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Damn he played himself
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Need this in my life lol
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
#SCOTUS one-star review
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”