The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
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[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.