Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
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Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.