@MichaelaOkla

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

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@fridaycandy

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

@UberFacts

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

@AJ_VanFossen

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

@runolgarun

saw someone spill their high end juice cleanse all over the sidewalk and now I know god is on my side

@that1mum

Just realized that my bf never asked me to be his gf and we never established that we are dating. We just like live together and have a baby together. But we don’t have an anniversary or anything. Omg are we dating? Is it too late to ask what are we? What if we are just friends

@paperphotoyo

Him: Hey
*types*
*deletes*
*types*
*deletes*
*Googles a cute reply*
*looks at Wikipedia*
*reads up on crime scenes*
*forgets to write back*

@mishakey

I don’t come into YOUR bathroom and tell YOU how to tweet.

@Sarcasticsapien

People at the gym in January who dress like they’re obsessed with working out won’t be there by, probably the end of this sentence.

@threetimedaddy

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.