@MichaelaOkla

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

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@primawesome

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

@TheRealDrTodd

“I’m a vegetarian but I eat fish.”
– People who don’t get how definitions work.

@ADDiane

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

@heapsOhate

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

@Turbo_Jimmy

*hostage situation*

Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE

@KarenKilgariff

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

@TheBoydP

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

@thejessbess

(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?

@DreamerDixie

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

@JohnLyonTweets

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.