Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.


“I’m a vegetarian but I eat fish.”
– People who don’t get how definitions work.


Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.


I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.


*hostage situation*

Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE


Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”


Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?


(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?


Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.


Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.