me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Ladies, here’s a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.
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When I was little I wanted to be a writer when I grew up.
*looks around* I guess I should have been more specific.
Is there any reason why these two shouldn’t be wed?
* me yelling * SHE THINKS WOLVERINE COULD BEAT PREDATOR
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
– me trying to eat with chopsticks.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.