Ladies, here’s a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.

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me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak


my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it


When I was little I wanted to be a writer when I grew up.

*looks around* I guess I should have been more specific.


[at wedding]
Is there any reason why these two shouldn’t be wed?


*pianist vomits*


uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage


Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.


Damn it
Damn it
Damn it
(Stabs it)
Damn it

– me trying to eat with chopsticks.


When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”


I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”


People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.