“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Ladies, here’s a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.
You Might Also Like
I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food.
Because I have no idea where sandwiches live…
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… **Coughs up hairball**
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Me to my Boss: Excuse me, sir, can I ask a stupid question.
Boss: Better than anyone else I know…
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.