It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
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Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.