ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
You Might Also Like
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Risking my life for fun.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot