Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
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The hardest thing Vision has to do
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
sigh
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever