Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
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“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.