You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
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It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!