Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

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It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.


[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard


hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register


Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…


*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé


I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line


Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.


Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it


Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.