@qwertying

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

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@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby

Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?

Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?

@just1fool

Beer:”You know what would be funny?”

Me:”No. What?”

Beer:”Really? Finish me and have four more then I’ll ask again.”

Me:”Yes, sir.”

@causticbob

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

@W0nderW0manW0w

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

@parttimewinner

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

@avainwordland

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

@meganamram

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

@colonel_trilL

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

@ChuckGrassley

My local steak house serves nothing but vegetarian bc cows are vegetarian

@Ygrene

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA