Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby
Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?
Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
You Might Also Like
Beer:”You know what would be funny?”
Beer:”Really? Finish me and have four more then I’ll ask again.”
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
My local steak house serves nothing but vegetarian bc cows are vegetarian
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA