*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
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Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
how to exercise your calf muscles
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.