@DeanScott01

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.

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@Book_Krazy

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

@AbbieEvansXO

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

@Jandalize

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

@SamuelMoen

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

@Zhanny001

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

@neiltyson

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

@elisemarie91

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

@simoncholland

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

@cravin4

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

@Staggfilms

[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic