Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.

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“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish


Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them


I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.


When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river


@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers


Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats


My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking


Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.


Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.


[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic