@JediGigi

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

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@itchyturtle

Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he’s called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend.

@liv_thatsme

“Thinking of getting a tattoo”

Me: K

“Thinking of getting some wallpaper”

Me: NO! YOU’LL REGRET IT EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

@Book_Krazy

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

@Shenaniglenns

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

@iwearaonesie

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

@Try2StopME

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

@bossy_bootz

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

@PaperWash

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

@thedaisycomplex

If you knew what I considered to be my “best behavior” it’s doubtful you’d advise me to be “on it”.