Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

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I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?


Pretty sure if I ever texted my hubs a nude pic of me, he’d probably respond “I think you meant to send this to someone else.”


from Jabba the Hutt’s perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him


WIFE: He won’t stop pretending he’s Larry King.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *turns to camera* We’ll hear more of Karen’s lies. Up next.


Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?


Meanwhile, in a parallel world…a banana slowly and seductively peels and eats a human, while locking eyes with another banana…


I don’t make spelling and grammatical errors I invent new languages. You ignorant Count.


I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.


7: Its the last week of school so we don’t have to go. Can I stay home?
Me: Ha! Nice try, kid.
Teacher: Its true.