Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
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For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Finished stitching this today 😇
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”