Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he’s called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
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“Thinking of getting a tattoo”
“Thinking of getting some wallpaper”
Me: NO! YOU’LL REGRET IT EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
Is it working yet?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
If you knew what I considered to be my “best behavior” it’s doubtful you’d advise me to be “on it”.