Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
You Might Also Like
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.