Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
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Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
when you are just born a rebel
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]