@alovablenerd

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

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@swimmingcatspa

Don’t panic. Keanu Reeves is going to put on a sick leather coat and save us all any minute now

@daemonic3

911: what’s your emergency

me: i think a girl gave me a fake number

911: omg who answered when you called it

me: you did

@tomipuff

I would like a warm hound please
“Excuse me?”
A flaming puppy
“…”
Fire canine
“Do you want a hot dog, ma’am?”
Yes. A scorching pooch

@Reverend_Scott

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

@texasstalkermom

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

@KevinFarzad

Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.

@o__0Dev

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

@LetGoBeFreeDoU

Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..

You’re Welcome..