Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
You Might Also Like
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.