Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
You Might Also Like
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
lmfao
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter