Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his hat, that’s his way of telling you he won’t pay child support.

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Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.


Never pay attention to how often you’re blinking.



[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”


My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.


date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer


Ever wonder how the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow?


Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work anymore


I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal


Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.


HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again