[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
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Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I’M CRYINGGG
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay