@TheMichaelRock

Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his hat, that’s his way of telling you he won’t pay child support.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

@just1fool

Never pay attention to how often you’re blinking.

Sorry.

@david8hughes

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

@bluebonetbabies

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

@handsock_butts

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

@LOsepyan

Ever wonder how the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow?

@TheCensoredRock

Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work anymore

@WheelTod

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

@doublewenis

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

@bornmiserable

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again