@CornOnTheGoblin

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

You Might Also Like

@ashmensch

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

@OBiiieeee

Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?…No you hang up first! Hello? 911?

@Donna_McCoy

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

@climaxximus

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

@VictorscarletJ

Seriously…if you need a sign to remind you to wash your hands after taking a shit or piss. Stay home

@decentbirthday

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

@girlnarly

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?