Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta
He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
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Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?…No you hang up first! Hello? 911?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
moms in horror movies
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
People who live in stone houses can throw all the glass they want.
Seriously…if you need a sign to remind you to wash your hands after taking a shit or piss. Stay home
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?