“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap