Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents
Ladies, if he tells you he’s 6 feet & 4 inches, be sure those aren’t two separate measurements.
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My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Why is no one talking about this?!
When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren’t evidence in a murder that life’s trying to frame you for.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?