@Tmoney68

Ladies, if he tells you he’s 6 feet & 4 inches, be sure those aren’t two separate measurements.

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@LeahTiscione

Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents

@SondraDeeMe

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

@SirEviscerate

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

@WheelTod

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

@FeelingEuphoric

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

@samalmightysam

”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.

@Holy_Mowgli

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

@ibid78

When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren’t evidence in a murder that life’s trying to frame you for.

@HomeProbably

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.