If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.