accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
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[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]