Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
You Might Also Like
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!