Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
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Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Message from the dog groomers
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)