Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
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A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
*sewing*
A thread
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.