Ladies, if your man says he’ll fix it, he will. There’s no reason to remind him every 6 months.

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me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you


My son just looked at his best friend of 5 years and said “hey you” because he temporarily forgot his name and I’ve never felt closer to him.


Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….


This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?


The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single


microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both


I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.


Oscar Pistorius has the worst alibi ever. Who the hell would break into your house to rob your bathroom?


You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?


If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.