When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
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[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.