Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
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Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need