ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
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I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow