LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
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DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.