After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
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We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.
Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
-Octopus preparing for a fight
ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, “So, I was sitting there eating this salad…”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids