LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
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[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next