Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

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I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge just in case anyone wants a black coffee.


When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.


I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.


I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit


Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.


Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.


Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box


Why am I *already* watching the news like I have no clue how to pace myself


I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.