Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
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i want the dreams to chase me for once
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.