[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.
You Might Also Like
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I’m 50 but feel like 30. Until I hang out with 30 year olds.
Then I am like, nope nevermind, I’m 50.
I feel bad for airport security workers. I’m going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.