@mackswift

Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.

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@GrowlyGrego

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

@GeriatricBeards

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

@HeyoShellz

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

@robfee

If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.

@Reverend_Scott

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

@putyoursisterd1

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

@Harbinger_one

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

@Staaltje68

I’m 50 but feel like 30. Until I hang out with 30 year olds.
Then I am like, nope nevermind, I’m 50.

@salamingia

I feel bad for airport security workers. I’m going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.