12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
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Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
War & Peace
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.