ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
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The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.