I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
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next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Miscakes
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.