Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
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Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
And that about sums it up.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time