Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

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“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”



In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.


Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?


The Great Gatsby was so unrealistic. So many people at those huge parties and not once did anyone ask for the wifi password.


You may be too old for her if she asks you what your kink is and you immediately think of your knees and your back.


ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?


Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.

You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.


If Facebook Was Real

me: cool shirt Brian
Brian: thanks

[hours later, a knock at my door]

me: um yes?
Brian’s Mom: I also like that shirt