@PJTLynch

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

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@UncleDuke1969

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

@LetsQuoteComedy

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

@Marlebean

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

@NickFlora

The Great Gatsby was so unrealistic. So many people at those huge parties and not once did anyone ask for the wifi password.

@tsm560

You may be too old for her if she asks you what your kink is and you immediately think of your knees and your back.

@Staggfilms

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

@drinksmcgee

Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.

You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.

@iamspacegirl

If Facebook Was Real

me: cool shirt Brian
Brian: thanks

[hours later, a knock at my door]

me: um yes?
Brian’s Mom: I also like that shirt