Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
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Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
We need more people like this.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.