Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
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“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Confused owl: What?!
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.