Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
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M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Teach your children to beatbox
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.