ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
You Might Also Like
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
getting old is fun
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously