By tomorrow night America will be in a turkey induced coma.
On Friday…Canada attacks.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
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*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off