Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
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Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
gentlemen, hear me out
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
is this a threat
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”