Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
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If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise