@SteveKoehler22

Ladies :

Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-

gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?

Your dentist.

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@uhhmmily

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

@Gupton68

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

@USMCSDI

BREAKING NEWS:

Nigerian man dies and authorities find $27 billion dollars in his apartment

He had been trying to give it away for 15 years but nobody would return his emails

@MisterBombay

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

@XplodingUnicorn

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

@fuzzlime

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

@realHamOnWry

I don’t understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?

@KeetPotato

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

@iwearaonesie

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing