Ladies :

Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-

gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?

Your dentist.

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“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”


I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.


I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.


Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.


Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?


If I give my dog a toy that doesn’t make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life.


just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”


“What subjects do you toot?”


[third date]

ME: i want you to meet my parents

HER: uhh, don’t you think it’s a little too early for that?

ME: nah, it’s after 7, they should be home by now


The weirdest thing just happened. I had Cancer, then 15 people on Facebook were brave enough to change their statuses, & now I’m cured.