Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
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CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.