HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i say “ruh roh” in a scooby doo voice when i mess up
ME: (under breath) ruh roh
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
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CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason