@ItsSamG

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

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@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i say “ruh roh” in a scooby doo voice when i mess up

HER: yes

ME: (under breath) ruh roh

@DurtMcHurtt

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

@GrantTanaka

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

@Dad_At_Law

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

@MaryJustice86

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

@perlhack

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

@audipenny

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

@BigFatNothing

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

@mostlysharks

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason