Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
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It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
The Punning Dead.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I identify as an antique shop.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”