Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
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I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
5 ways to appear taller
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Celery is depressing green water wafers.