doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
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My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Art by Pastelkatto
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about