@hazelmotes1

Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I’m only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.

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@dave_cactus

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

@deankarrier

I put my pants on like everyone else, when there’s a knock on the front door.

@AdamBroud

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

@zachreinert03

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

@JimGaffigan

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

@EndhooS

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

@QwertyJones3

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

@3sunzzz

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

@WheelTod

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

@TheTweetOfGod

Inside everybody there’s a still, small voice seeking to guide them on their journey through life. It was put there by the CIA.