[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
LIFE HACK: How To Get Rid Of Bags Under Your Eyes
1. Get a raw potato, wash it & peel it. Cut it into slices.
2. Place in a frying pan with butter, salt/pepper, onions & bacon.
3. Go online, order concealer while eating your fried potatoes. Win-Win.
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INCREASINGLY DESPERATE GOOGLE SEARCH FOR “HOW MANY SHADOWS SHOULD I HAVE?”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion and says he’s Bob Marley reincarnated, proving you can actually overdose on marijuana.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Just when I think I’m 100% against the death penalty, I see a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spots.
If I was a quotation mark, I’d be a single quotation mark.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”