Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
The old gods are rising again.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.