me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
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Hey, did you ever get that job you talked about for weeks then abruptly stopped mentioning?
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.