Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
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“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Judge: Your word is… Grease.
Me: Grease is the word?
Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Narrator: THIS SUMMER, KEVIN HART
Me: oh no
Narrator: GUESS WHAT HE’S DOING
Me: another cop m-
Narrator: ANOTHER COP MOVIE
When people say things like “You can’t change the past” I can’t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.