Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
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What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!