@TheBoydP

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

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@PaperWash

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

@climaxximus

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

@pixelatedboat

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

@iamspacegirl

[Spelling Bee]

Judge: Your word is… Grease.

Me: Grease is the word?

Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.

@MetteAngerhofer

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

@Fat_Jalbert

[trailer]
Narrator: THIS SUMMER, KEVIN HART
Me: oh no
Narrator: GUESS WHAT HE’S DOING
Me: another cop m-
Narrator: ANOTHER COP MOVIE

@Sarcasticsapien

When people say things like “You can’t change the past” I can’t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.

@6stringSpecial

My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.