Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
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[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them