Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
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[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.