@Vice_Queen

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

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@cravin4

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

@ShortWhiteNUgly

Me: I found a job!

Mom: That’s great! What is it?

Me: debt collection!

Mom:….

Me…..

Mom:…

Me: I think you know why I’m calling.

@leftarmisme

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

@InternetHippo

*turns on the news*

I wonder if things are getting better in the wor–

tv: AN ALLIGATOR ATE A BABY

@MyNameIsArchaic

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

@Fred_Delicious

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

@thepaulasuzanne

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

@Marlebean

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

@Auzzie78

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

@qikipedia

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.