Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
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“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
My plans: 2020:
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen